I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
