I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
