Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
