I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I need a beard to bite.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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