Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
