So drunk its hurt
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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