Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
