He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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