Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
