Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
