I wish I could teleport
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
