Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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