if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
