I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
