I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
