Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
