You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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