My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
