It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize