Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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