Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
