WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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