Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
