my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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