Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My legs feel like baby dolphins
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
