dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
