well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
