You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
