my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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