i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize