remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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