Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
