you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
