i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
