I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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