omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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