just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
