Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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