I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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