Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
