I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Everything about him screamed your future.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
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