well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
