Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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