If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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