I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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