If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
