seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
