I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize