Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
