whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
