Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
