You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
i out mim tonsoeep
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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