anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
