He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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