Porn is love you can see.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
