On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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