the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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